kcjc62's Xanga

Other things ive been learning

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 07:49:19 GMT

1. Home is where the heart is. If I give God my heart, I will ALWAYS BE HOME.
2. I am God's favorite. (You know how it feels amazing when youre someones favorite? God feels that way about all of us) So I should live like I am the favorite. I should live with confidence, have the attitude of a leader, and never doubt how loved I am.

cross post from amoeblog

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 07:47:18 GMT

just when i say i'm not going to post on xanga anymore!!!
I've been putting off an amoeblog update for several reasons, among which are lack of time and the overwhelming prospect of recounting my life since the accident. (That sounds a bit more melodramatic than it should.)

.... It's actually still a bit too overwhelming. I lost my loquacity just now.
Here are some fun things that happened over break:
1. Got a rental car, insurance is paying for it
2. KARAOKE WITH YOU GUYS!!! sooo funnnn~
3. Calvin's birthday. Dude, he is old.
4. Rock Band. (lots of rock band.)
5. Amovieba! (Magnolia sucked, but being with you guys was awesome)
6. Christmas parties
7. Hanging out with family
8. Christmas! (new phone, camera, clothes, etc)
9. New Years Eve, calvin coming back just in time
10. Hanging out with Amoeba members randomly (tim and richard biking, ashton ucla, andrew mac)
11. Church retreat

And here are some things I've been struggling with:
1. Where is home? School isn't home. Church isn't home. Home even isn't quite home. Things keep changing while you're not there, it's not a vaccuum that stays frozen till you get back (like Toy Story). Who are my real friends? What do I need to do to keep those real friends? Which friendships should I be investing more time and energy in?
2. How will I even find the time and energy to do all that? I dropped a class this semester because all the work was overwhelming (18 units+TA job down to 14 units+TA job). But STILL, every spare second of the day I am reading for class. All my classes are small and have heavy reading assignments, and I spend all my energy trying to keep up. i do try to go out with people and have some semblance of a social life, but it makes me fall behind in reading, so i always feel guilty. Meanwhile, I have lost the ability to carry on a decent conversation on AIM. It makes me feel like a jerk when I realize I've been ignoring people while I was reading for class. And I wish I could ask all these people "How are you doing?" and be invested in them, but I am scared to doubleclick their names because I know I'm just going to end up making them feel ignored! To top it all off, Calvin has been jetlagged from HK for quite a while now, and I know he's trying to fight it, but he falls asleep on me fairly regularly. And his classes are when I don't have class. So it's hard to have a good conversation, even with my boyfriend. The whole thing is really frustrating, and I don't know what to do.
3. Smoking and drinking. Well, I know I don't want anything to do with either of them, so this isnt necesarily a struggle, per se. But I struggle with what to tell my friends who do it. They know I disapprove and I try to communicate that with love. But it's surprisingly difficult to be the party pooper. I am encouraged by the fact that each time they spent the night doing that stuff, I ended up happier than they. I admit a tiny level of curiosity - but I am 100% sure that it's not worth it to find out. I've been spoiled - I've only ever had close friends who are model children. (you guys lol) And I loved that we could have SO much fun, and not need any of that crap to help us have fun. As I told ashton the other day - All I need to have fun is good friends and bad jokes. So its been a very interesting process becoming friends with people who are slightly deviant :P

Alright I am totally not going to be able to finish my advertising reading today x.x But it was worth it. You guys, please keep posting here, so I can stalk you :) I care about how you are, and all the little details of your life.

hugs~

Alright here it is

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 00:59:56 GMT

I have been pretty Xanga diehard since 2003. [I am so xanga og, I refuse to switch modes from classic] Even when people started dropping off Xanga like flies, I kept going. Right now, there are about 4 or 5 of my friends on Xanga that post regularly. Yeah. I like Xanga, but I feel like my Xanga comes with an expectation. Like I have to have something funny, profound, spiritual, or personal to say. Otherwise it's not worth a post. And the more comments on a post, the greater its worth. I know thats an immature way of thinking, and I know it's not true, but I can't get myself out of that mindset.

I think I'll keep my Xanga, because it's got 5 years worth of stuff on it. And I'll keep reading other people's posts. But I doubt I'll be saying much.

So if my life hasn't been recorded on Xanga lately, where HAS it been recorded? well...
1. The Amoeblog. My high school group of friends called ourselves The Amoeba, because we were always absorbing new people. Kind of like a macrophage I think. Anyway. We started a joint blog so we could stay connected in college. I love this blog! I get to hear about what it's like to be starting new at USC, UCLA, Pitt, UCSD, someschoolinArkansas, UCI, etc. Freshman year came with a lot of challenges, and it was good to know that I wasn't alone. The kind of stuff I write on the Amoeblog is daily life-ish.
2. Tumblr. The way I see tumblr is like a tumbler. Like one of those bingo containers that has a crank, and you spin it and spin it and then you open it and pick out a square (B9). Basically, the container is my head, and I have lots of stuff spinning around in there, and sometimes I reach in and pick something out. Tumblr is fun precisely because few people read it, or if more people do, I can't tell because there's no comment feature. This means no performance anxiety, no qualms about length, content, or whatever. Only thing is, it doesn't seem like a good place for any deep reflection. You don't pick out a sentence from a bingo container.

So where does my spiritual reflection go? Mostly my journal. Or I talk about it with people one on one. And I'm not sure if this is something I want to change. If there is something on my heart that I am burdened to share with everyone, I'll figure out a way.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 03:09:14 GMT

Beauty and the Existence of God

always wondered...

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:12:08 GMT

but ultimately, i dont look that much like either of them... i knew it :P

confidence

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:55:27 GMT

this may sound strange but
something about my new haircut makes me feel like i can conquer the world. lol!
its almost like my hairstyle is directly correlated to my confidence level.
- it was tied back into a ponytail (low maintenance, out of my face, parted smack in the middle) when i was more tomboyish.
- then i let it down, and i had it pin-straight for a couple of years - conservative, safe. after a while i started parting it further and further to the side.
- then during this past summer, i started drying it in a bun to organize my natural waves/curls. so it was able to be itself and i didnt have to straighten it haha.
- but when i got to college, i started making it straight again - probably feeling insecure :P
- and once i was pretty much transitioned, with new friends, used to my life at pepperdine... BAM. extreme haircut! it hasnt been this short since i was 12. and i love it! my mom cut it. i just wanted something fresh, you know? i dont really have to style it much because my hair is naturally all over the place, and i no longer deny my hair its crazy tendencies ^-^

... and i feel confident. happy. satisfied. adventurous.
its cool to think about how i've changed over the years. my hair has affected my confidence. my confidence has affected my hair.

its crazy how much older i feel now (vs. the same time last yr). i did/am doing an awful lot of growing up in such a short time! i am blessed.

watching pingpong in the HAWC, and doing some life reflection :)

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:04:17 GMT

there is no one like my God. there is no one like my God.

I've been thinking lately about the words to a song I like.
"Jesus, here I am your favorite one
what are you thinking, what are you feeling
I have to know"

When I sing it, I feel embarrassed to say I am His favorite. I mean, I am totally unworthy, and I don't want to seem like I'm better than anyone else...
But really, it's like saying I have more than one best friend. And I do! It took me forever to figure out that I could have more than one - in elementary, my friends actually came up to me and asked me which one of them was my BEST friend. ohman elementary drama haha. But friendships - the dynamic between two people - its just different. It's not something you can quantify and compare to your dynamic with another person. There are just some people whose friendship you value more than most things in life - people in whose lives you invest your life.
I am God's favorite one! Okay, now that I accept saying that, what does it mean? At convo today, we happened to watch this short film where a guy surveyed people on the street and asked "Are you anyone's favorite person?" and one guy said "No." and the surveyor said "Is that Definitely Not, Most Likely Not, Possibly, Most Likely, or Definitely?" and the guy said "Definitely Not." "You know that's the lowest one, right?" "Yes." "Well... would you like an orange? My wife wants me to get rid of them, we have 3 trees in the back" "Is it free?" "Yeah, you'd be doing me a favor!" "Then can I have two? My girlfriend likes them." "...um... yeah, here take three"
It just make you go "ungghh" inside when you watch someone, who has a girlfriend, say that they are no one's favorite person. It's just so... empty. When you are someone's favorite person, that someone thinks about you all the time, cares about you/takes care of you, values you.... That's an amazing feeling. That's how we should feel when we remember what God thinks of us. I'm God's favorite.

You're His favorite.
Definitely. :)

college update

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:09:54 GMT

I feel so much older now. The past two weeks have been crazy - way too much change at one time! I don't think I've ever cried so many times in a two week span. This is not easy - but it's not supposed to be easy. I can't say that I LIKE college. Not yet. But I guess it's kinda sorta growing on me - right now, it seems do-able. I can do this.
I think the biggest changes were company and food. College is lonely! I'm definitely not used to feeling lonely. Yeah, I've made a few friends, but... it's still too soon to tell who my real, lasting friends are going to be. And I wasn't expecting NO Chinese food. The food quality is pretty good but it's not balanced. You can either get a plate of meat, a plate of pasta, or a plate of salad. (point system, not buffet system) It's annoying. With Chinese food, you can get beef and broccoli and rice in one dish. I'd even settle for a panda express. But no such luck! My favorite food to buy here is the pre-packaged turkey sub.
I would be SO miserable (still) if I didn't have God on my side, and people who love and support me from a distance. Like seriously, I realize how incredibly blessed I was at home - and how blessed I still am, because they still love me haha. My school friends and I started a group blog, and it's almost like a support group - I am not alone in this. And it's pretty cool to get the freshman perspective of another school. My parents IM and/or facebook me pretty regularly. (it's strange, but... cool. haha)
Going to retreat was really awesome because I got to eat meals with people who WANTed to sit with me - I didn't even have to ask! And I got a new perspective on my spiritual approach to school. I have so much to offer to this campus - I shouldn't wallow so much in my own misery and self-pity. God has so much in store for me, and so much He's ready to give me if I ask.

If I had written this post a week ago, it would have said "I hate college. I want to go home."
But now, I hope you recognize hope in my rambling. It's still challenging to be here. But I have hope.

Leavin'

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:43:43 GMT

It didn't really hit me until recently. I don't want to leave home!!! I now have a pretty bad case of the freshman jitters. You know what everyone says?

"You're gonna be fine!"

Yeah I KNOW I'm gonna be fine... eventually. But until then, I'm... sad. And rather panicky.
A while back I told the college fellowship that I was scared of the white people. No, I'm not scared of the white people. - -' They're different, and they can be intimidating (cultural difference in openness), but they're not scary. What's the most terrifying to me is feeling lonely. You know how you can feel totally alone even when you're surrounded by friendly people? That's the worst kind of lonely. That empty feeling. I'm so afraid of feeling that way. I haven't in a really long time. I'm also really afraid of making new friends. It took me quite a while to establish my lasting high school friendships. Years. And I'm rusty at this friend-making thing. I know I freeze up in "Hi nice to meet you" situations, so I dread looking dumb/awkward/anti-social. I'm also scared of getting lost. I got lost my first 3 years at Whitney. And Whitney is a tiny box! If I don't know where I am and where I'm going, I freak out and I think concentrate on much else. Won't I have enough to worry about without getting lost?! Another terrifying thought is... once I leave home, it won't really ever be home again. At least not in the same sense. Because after college etc, I'll get my own house, and family, and bills.... leaving home is the first step in becoming my own adult. And um... I don't want to grow up! It's safe and comfortable here at home with family and friends. I don't want added responsibilities, or to have to answer for myself. Yeah, the people I love will always "be here for me", but.. growing up is something you do by yourself. No one else can... grow you up. Just because I recognize that there are some things I should do, it doesn't mean it's any less difficult. So... I think I am perfectly normal to harbor these fears. But I'll try my best not to let them paralyze me. I won't pretend to be strong and unaffected by all these goodbyes, but I won't cling to the past either.

One more week.

P.S. Some of my more irrational fears include:
- What will I do when mommy's not there to buy my shampoo?!
- What if there's no Chinese food?!
- What if I don't make any friends and spend the rest of my life in hermitage?!
- What if my friends forget me?
- What if I forget my friends?
- What if my friends get significant others?!?!??!?!
- What if I flunk out of college?!
- What if I mix reds and whites?!
- What if I don't survive the grueling freeway drive back home.... so I can never go home!
.... yeah. Well I'm kind of all over the emotional map these days lol

Eyebrows.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 00:54:27 GMT

This morning I came downstairs and my grandma asked me to look at my little brother, who was watching TV on the couch, because something seemed different.

I looked, and shrieked.
My brother had shaved his eyebrows off.
He looked like an alien.

I grabbed some eyeliner and an eyebrow pencil I got in japan, and attempted to draw some semblance of eyebrows back on him. When he has something on there, I can look at him for more than 2 seconds without flinching. (But everytime he swims or showers, we have to reapply. Tammy even went to Walmart and got those glue-able false eyelashes and stuck some on lol)

See, my brother HAD pretty bushy eyebrows (which makes their absence even more stark) but since 1. he is autistic, and 2. he is an adolescent, I think he took criticism to heart and decided he was better off without them. He and my sister have this love/hate, bother each other to death but still have fun kind of relationship, and sometimes she comments on his big nose/lips/eyebrows. I think last night he found his way into the medicine cabinet, and used a bladeless leg shaving whatever. Because my dad took HIS electric shaver on vacation, and my bro doesnt have any cuts. So that's my guess, but we still aren't positive. He didn't leave any obvious evidence, and the cleaners came this morning and moved everything around anyway.

Point is, most of us take our eyebrows for granted (threading, tattooing, plucking). Don't. Treasure them. As bushy or as thick as they may be, just be thankful that you HAVE them.